My early memories are shrouded in a low hanging mist of uncertainty, a fog that enveloped me for most of my young life. I understood the world passively through impressions and language. I perceived the world from the point of view of a bystander, from the corner of the room, watching. It seemed that life was something that was happening to me, or a movie I was watching, instead of something I initiated, directed, and took part in. And this, it seemed, was the biggest difference between me and the children around me. They did not observe the world and falter at the thought of joining it. They were simply a part of it. I envied them.
How does one learn to be in this world?
I didn’t even realize this was the question I needed to ask. Clarity alluded me for so long. I was a storyteller, the narrator in the corner of room, spinning stories authored by Fear.
I was scared of the world. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a part of it.
How does one learn to be in this world?
Today, I am a scientist studying this question.
I theorize and experiment.
I read, I practice, I fail, I succeed, and nothing is ever as difficult or scary as I imagine it. I keep going. I realize there is no substitute for direct experience.
I let go of fear, incrementally, in small moments strung together over a decade or more.
I put paint on canvas and words on paper. I create as well as observe.
I do yoga. I practice mindfulness. Progress comes in fits and starts. I gain ground, I lose ground, I get sidetracked.
I am hard on myself…..way too hard on myself. I keep telling myself its what happens when Fear gets its feathers ruffled.
"Mindfulness helps us get better at seeing the difference between what’s happening and the stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening, stories that get in the way of .direct experience. Often such stories treat a fleeting state of mind as if it were our entire and permanent self." -Sharon Salzberg
Am I still telling myself stories?
Yes.
But now, at least, I recognize it and understand its power.
We are all telling stories. We create and determine our lives through the stories we tell ourselves. We can listen to the ones woven in fear, or choose to listen to the ones woven in love. We can choose which we tell, which we listen to, and which we believe. We can end a story that no longer fits us. We can create a new one. But, above all else, we must know it is a story.
