I decided I needed a guru.... an anchor, a compass, a guide....to help me navigate my yoga journey a few years after completing my teacher training and becoming a mom. The decision came to me suddenly and I knew it was the right one. I committed myself immediately (without second guessing, which is actually extraordinary for me) and threw myself into being the ultimate student. I made broad, sweeping lifestyle changes all at once. I was sure that I should and could be doing everything my guru suggested (even though he repeatedly told me that everyone articulates the teachings as only they can understand them and at the time that is right for them).
Let me just tell you, this was an epic fail. I was a new mom with two toddlers at home. My body was a stranger, completely rearranged by labor and delivery. And, as much as I needed the connection to the yogic lifestyle, I did not need to be putting so much pressure on my transitioning self. I didn't enjoy or see benefits from any of the things I was trying to do because, developmentally, I wasn't ready to be practicing these things. I was only ready to be "exposed" to the ideas.
After overwhelming myself for a year with monthly fasting rituals, breathing Kriya and sitting in meditation at dawn, and the enormously complex study of astrology, I slowly let go of the expectation that any of those things would happen regularly in my daily life because my daily life required immediate attention in other areas. Of course, all of these things were of great interest to me and I was grateful that the seeds were planted, but I realized that no permanent changes were ready to take hold. This surrender was the very thing that freed me to build a foundation that I could keep developing and evolving in the direction that was right for me at the time it was right for me.
When we practice hatha yoga, we always build the foundation of the pose first. In standing poses,you set the feet properly first. They create a foundation line that you literally build on top of as you articulate the pose. The same is true when you build a house or anything in this life....... And my foundation was not ready. I had to establish myself as a mom, relating to my husband and two children in a completely new role and continue my hatha yoga practice. Anything else was extraneous for me at that moment.
Now that I'm 12 years further down the yoga road, I find myself making some small lifestyle changes one at a time as they become relevant to me. I find that real change happens when: a) the timing is right, and, b) it is relevant to your life.
I can say now that maybe fasting is a practice I need to modify and wait to do until I'm not in the throws of raising children. And I realize that by following some simple Ayurvedic principles and eating practices, I can come close to achieving at least one thing that I wished to achieve by fasting anyway -- detoxification. I've realized I'm only now getting really familiar with my subtle energy pathways that would allow me to breathe Kriya successfully. I wasn't ready 12 years ago, but maybe I am now.....or will be soon. Maybe I will interpret the practice a little differently than my guru; maybe that's okay.
I think its important to realize that we all develop at our own unique rates, just as flowers blossom only when they're ready -- never when they are forced.
Its important to understand that "exposure" to ideas may have to happen again and again before a concept can be understood, developed, and articulated by a person.
So, give yourself permission to expose, interpret, and develop as only you can -- as only you know how -- on your yogic path.
There is no right. There is no wrong. There is only YOU, exploring what brings you balance and equanimity for a harmonious life.
Take care and be gentle with yourself.
Namaste~
Tammie
PS. More coming soon about the "small changes" that have been working for me!!
